In certain areas of life, you know your particular role. When you go to work, you do your work tasks. When I was a daycare teacher during the summers during college, this meant showing up on time, taking the kids on field trips, helping them open up lunches, playing games with them, keeping them in line, reading books, etc. When I started as a therapist, this meant meeting with clients, sticking to my schedule, writing my notes within 24 hours, and preparing sessions to make sure my clients get the best care possible. In these cases, the load is clear. The instructions are there, easy to follow. When I leave work for the day, my day is done. My load has been carried and put away until the next day. The book is closed.
At home, this isn’t always the case. In relationships, this often isn’t the case. The load is ongoing. The lists of tasks are never-ending. This is where the idea of a mental load comes in. Because at home, with your family, with friends, with things that need to get done, someone has to carry the burden of making sure it all gets completed or maintained.
A mental load is defined as the effort it takes for you to plan, prepare, organize, and manage events, relationships, work, and family. It’s the invisible thinking that takes place. For example, you’re planning a friend’s birthday party (and let’s make it a surprise party, to add a little extra stress to the mix). First, where are you having the party? Who is catering or bringing food (what does the birthday person like or want)? Does everyone have a ride there? Has everyone RSVP’d? Who is bringing the cake? Where will this even be taking place? Once you figure out all of those details, who is going to set up day-of? Who will help clean it up? And I mean, who is going to get your friend there for the surprise (and what will the trick be to truly surprise them!)?
This isn’t so bad if you’re planning with a team, but on your own, it gets very, very overwhelming, and it happens within households. In a house, the mental load is the planning and managing that goes into the day-to-day. This can mean managing your kids' schedules and plans, remembering birthdays, making the grocery lists, calling the plumber, setting up dinners, inviting your parents or in-laws over, and, basically, being on top of everything to keep things running smoothly.
A lot of this goes unnoticed, because a lot of this planning is cognitive effort that can be extremely draining as well as unseen, because you only really see the end result. Just think about it: behind every meal made at home, there had to be an idea for a meal, then finding a recipe (if you don’t know it by heart), then there had to be a grocery list. And even if you aren’t the one doing the grocery shopping (maybe your partner does it for you), your mental load is still heavy and relies on the correct groceries being bought, because if not, then new planning begins.
Historically, the mental load has often fallen onto women in relationships in a home. Women are often the ones planning, maintaining, monitoring. This isn’t every single household, but it’s a significant enough amount (at least in the United States) that mental load is becoming a more popular phrase and more recognized burden, because despite a mental load being “invisible” labor, it’s still labor.
Here, I’d also like to highlight the work that a stay-at-home parent does. Stay-at-home parents (often moms) have been told that their day is easy. They’ve heard “I’d LOVE to be able to relax all day!” or “must be nice not having to go to work”. In reality, this is incredibly demeaning, because not only does physical work get done (cleaning a house, taking care of kids, chauffeuring kids around, helping with activities or homework, preparing meals), but the plans to do all of these things fall onto that parent. Not only are they busy all day doing things, but they’re busy ALL DAY cognitively, too. How exhausting is that? They’re the ones keeping the schedules, maintaining and organizing where people will be at certain times, they’re the ones who have to be on top of it all. According to this article, a stay-at-home parent works 97 hours in a week.
Okay, I’ll get off my soapbox on stay-at-home parents (I grew up with a mom who gave up being a registered nurse to stay home with my brother and me, so I’m very passionate about the true labor that goes into being a stay-at-home parent).
Even if someone isn’t a stay-at-home parent, a mental burden still gets carried. Plans are still made. Things still have to be organized. And honestly, sometimes, when I finish a long day at work, I’m tired. I don’t want to think about all the things I need to get done, or that need to be fixed. I want someone else to notice the things that need to be done.
So, this is my shouting-from-the-rooftops moment: partners/family members/older kids, help the parent/person/partner that carries the mental load. Ask them what you can do. Notice things that need to be done (the trash needs to go out? Just take care of it). Volunteer so they don’t have to constantly delegate. Show appreciation for all the invisible labor that they do, because it’s a lot, and typically isn’t recognized, but it really deserves to be.
Mental loads don’t just go away, but they also don’t have to be carried by one person all of the time. Things can be taken care of individually with coordination. Sometimes, it might take couples counseling, if it’s you and your partner that need the guidance on how to ease the load.
The process of the thinking behind every activity, event, or task deserves to be recognized, because it took a lot of mental work to get there.
So, I see you carrying the mental load. I challenge you to ask for help. I challenge the partners of those with the mental load to help carry the weight, at least a little bit. And appreciate the person doing it. Those who carry the burden of the planning/preparing/strategizing/etc. deserve to be noticed, because they are who keep the world functioning on the daily.
JB
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